最近逛天涯，经常在各个版看到各种各样的帖子问情感问题...比如‘他这样做我要不要和他在一起’啦，‘我应不应该和他结婚’啦，‘婚后发现他是个XXX样的人’啦，‘被背叛老公被小三抢了’啦...好像都很负面。于是有些姐妹真的感觉好像世间没有幸福婚姻了似的。
但是幸福婚姻到底有没有呢，我相信还是有的(本苹果自夸一句，俺老公跟俺的感情好着哪）。一段完美的婚姻，不是王子公主的‘从此永远幸福的生活在一起’，而是每天的上班下班锅碗瓢盆孩子亲戚。不出问题不可能，但两个人能有效的平和的解决问题才是重要的。夫妻相处，第一要互相尊重（可以指出而不是指责，区别很大哒），第二要互相信任（如果连每天睡在你身边的人都不能相信，是很可怕的～）剩下的，两个人一起努力，还怕没有幸福生活吗？
正好最近看到这篇文章，我觉得写得很有道理。未婚在谈恋爱的，可以好好对照一下自己的爱情；未婚也没有在谈恋爱的，可以在急着寻找另一半之前，好好对照下自己－－话说‘鱼找鱼，虾找虾，那啥找那啥’嘛。自己的水平高了，才能有希望找到更好的另一半嘛～
****原文是英文，我随便翻译，大家不要太挑错哈~****
现在的社会中离婚率已经超过５０％，不得不说很多人在如何选择另一半这个问题上犯了严重的错误。如果你不想成为离婚率中的一个百分比，那么应该好好考虑以下的十条标准。
１。你选错了人是因为你期待他／她在婚后会改变。
最经典的错误。永远不要为‘可能性’结婚。规律是，如果你和现在的他／她在一起不幸福，不要结婚。我的一个同事很有哲理的总结“你可以期待他／她在婚后会改变，但是是朝坏的而不是好的方向！”
所以对于对方的信仰，人品，个人清洁度，沟通方式／技巧，和个人习惯，最好考虑你是否能接受现有状况并与其和平共处。
２。你选错了人是因为比起人品，你更注重‘触电的感觉’。
‘触电’的感觉会引发热情，而好的人品才能保持热情。一定小心‘我坠入了爱河’这种情况，因为它常常实际上代表着‘我坠入了欲望’。你们彼此吸引，但你是否细心的注意过这个人的人品？
以下是几条重要的人品条件：
一）谦虚。这个人是否相信比起个人的所得／享受，人应该‘做正确的事’？
二）善良。这个人是否喜欢帮助别人？他／她如何对待那些他／她不一定需要善良对待的人（比如乞丐，老人，小动物）？他／她是否做义务劳动？或者慈善捐款／捐物？
三）责任感。如果他／她说过要做什么事，我能不能确实相信他／她会履行？
四）幸福感。这个人是否喜欢自己？他／她是不是享受生活？他／她是否情绪稳定？
问问你自己：我想不想象这个人一样？我想不想和这样一个人生儿育女？如果我有孩子，我想不想让我的孩子长成这样的人？
３。你选错了人是因为这个男人不懂女人的需要。
男人和女人各有独特的情感需要，而事实上，男人经常是亲密关系中‘不开窍’的那一个。
女人独特的情感需要就是‘被爱’－－就是‘我是我丈夫生命中最重要的人’的情感。而丈夫需要分给妻子稳定的，优质的注意力。
在犹太教对于亲密关系的中，这种倾向尤为明显。丈夫必须满足妻子对于亲密感的需要，并且在两人的亲密行为中，妻子是制定规则的一方。因为在这一领域，男人是‘目标派’。一位聪明的女性曾指出过，“男人只有两个档，‘开’或者‘关’”，而女人更加注重感觉过程。当男人能够‘换档’到‘过程派’，他会发现使妻子更加幸福的秘密。
４。你选错了人是因为你们没有相同的生活目标和规划。
建立两人之间的稳定关系需要三条基本条件：
一）互相吸引和适合。
二）有共同兴趣／爱好。
三）有相同／相近的生活目标。
结婚前，深刻的了解对方的生活目标。结婚后，两个人或者成长为合二为一，或者成长为各分东西－－为了避免‘各分东西’，你需要在你还单身的时候认识到你‘为了什么而活’，然后寻找那个结论和你所得的差不多的那个人。
这才是‘灵魂伴侣’的真正含义。灵魂伴侣就是目标伴侣－－两个人对生活的目标和意义有着相同的看法，因此有相同的价值观，规划和期待。
５。你选错了人是因为过早的发生亲密关系。
在讨论婚姻之前发生亲密关系是个挺大的问题，因为它经常提前结束对于重要问题的完整且诚实的探讨。肉体关系经常会阻挠正常的思考，而在缺乏正常思考的情况下，人是不会做出正确的选择的。
一般来讲，为了证明两个人是否身体合拍所进行的‘试验’是没有必要的。只要你有一定的常识，并且两个人在情感和头脑方面都合拍，你是没有必要担心身体会不会合拍的。在所有研究离婚的调查中，性生活不和谐几乎从来没出现在离婚的主要原因中。
６。你选错了人是因为你和他／她没有深层的情感交流。
衡量这一条的标准是‘我是否尊重并且敬仰这个人？’
这个问题并不等同与‘我是否认为他很厉害？’一辆奔驰车也会给我们留下深刻印象，但我们并不会因为某人开着奔驰而尊重他。一个人让人尊重的品格有创造力，忠诚，毅力，等等。
另一个问题是‘我相不相信这个人？’或者‘这个人的情绪是否稳定？我在他／她身边是否有安全感？’
７。你选错了人是因为他／她不能提供你情感上的安全感。
问一问你自己以下的问题：
在这个人身边我是不是感觉平静而且放松？在他／她面前我能不能完全放松自己，做我自己？这个人是不是让我感觉很好？
如果你有一个很亲密的朋友能让你有以上感觉，那么请一定找个能给你同样感觉的伴侣！
你害怕他／她的任何一个方面吗？你不应该感觉你需要注意你在对方身边说什么以防对方对你产生看法。如果你害怕向他／她开诚布公的表达你的意见和建议，那么这段关系中存在问题。
安全感的另一个要素是你不觉得对方在控制你。过强的控制行为和虐待经常是兄弟关系。要小心那些总是试图改变你的人。‘控制’和‘建议’之间有很大的差别－－建议是为了你好，而控制则是为了他／她好。（苹果插嘴，在同一情况下（你某天对某人说话口气不好），建议一般是善意的‘昨天你说话有点冲啊～’或者‘这样说话可是会得罪人的呢’，而控制一般带有附加条件‘你要是再敢那样说话，我就。。。你’这里的省略号可以是任何的动词比如‘打’‘掐’，或者情绪 ‘不喜欢’‘不理’或者条件 ）
８。你选错了人是因为你们没有坦诚相待。
两人的关系中，任何存在的问题都应该被讨论。虽然有些话题令人不快，但这些话题是唯一能衡量你们能不能好好沟通，退让和共同努力的条件。一生中，困难时期和问题是无法避免的。在你们做出婚姻承诺之前，你需要知道你们两个人是否能够存小异而求大同，共同为解决困难做出努力。
不要害怕让对方知道哪些事情使你不快。这也是衡量你在他／她面前能否露出你柔软／脆弱一面的标准。如果你不能放下盔甲，那么两个人不可能亲密无间。
９。你选错了人是因为你用两个人的关系来逃避个人问题和生活中的不顺。
如果你现在单身且不快乐，那么你也很可能结婚了还是不快乐的。婚姻是不能解决个人的，心理上等或者情绪上的问题的。如果有任何效应，婚姻只可能将现有问题放大。
如果你对自己和现在的生活不满意，那么担负起在单身时解决这些问题的责任。你会感觉更好，而你将来的另一半也会感谢你的。
１０。你选错了人是因为他／她正处在三角关系中。
三角关系并不一定指恋爱或者婚姻关系，第三角可以是任何对方过度寄托情感的人或物－－比如，一个不能从父母亲那里精神独立的人就是个很好的例子。有些人过度依赖或者寄托的第三角可能是物质或者精神上的，比如工作，毒品，网络，个人爱好，宠物，运动或者金钱。
小心审视你和你爱人中间的三角关系。一个有着‘第三角’的人经常没有足够的情感剩下来满足你的需要。你不会是他／她最重视的人，而这种情况，不是婚姻的基础。
婚姻是一件很慎重的事情.
需要考虑清楚.
小高兴一下，哪怕只有一个人看，也不枉我码那么多字啦
此消息发自掌中天涯wap.tianya.cn ，我也要用手机发表留言！
如果对你有帮助就是我的荣幸～
虽然已经嫁人了，而且感觉嫁的那个人相当不错，还是upup~~~
来到天涯就已经感觉这世界没有幸福婚姻了
放眼望去全是小三，小四。。。。
楼主，你有英文原版的吗？
四）幸福感。这个人是否喜欢自己？他／她是不是享受生活？他／她是否情绪稳定？
谢谢lz
如果他给不了我安全感(从情感上),那我们是否该结婚呢?我们原计划是在5月份结婚的.我现在很犹豫哦!!求助.....
_______________________________________________
首先要认识到平时的自己是否有安全感。
和最好的朋友在一起你是不是有安全感呢？
因为我发现有些父母对待孩子的方式不正确的话，会造成孩子成人以后也缺乏安全感的。
但是如果你至少有一个好朋友能够给你完全的安全感，那么这样要求你未来的伴侣也是有必要的。
如果你男朋友经常情绪不稳定，或者经常性的言之无信，或者出过轨，那么我一定建议你慎重考虑。
嗯，楼主确实是说出天涯很多女人的心声了
来到天涯就已经感觉这世界没有幸福婚姻了
放眼望去全是小三，小四。。。。
——————————————————————
这位mm不要灰心~ 想一想平时买东西的时候，是买到劣质产品的人回馈的多呢还是买到正常产品的人回馈的多？这是统计中的常见误差--有负面意见的人总是比较容易讲出心声的。
况且，在网上晒幸福总是会有点炫耀的感觉，幸福的大家一般都比较低调吧...
我要将此文背下来，哈哈
楼主，你有英文原版的吗？
——————————————————
有的~~ 我去找找，明天贴出来好吧？
写得真好做个记号
是选让自己不得不保持完美状态的连上厕所时担心时间长一点会被误解成是在大大的帅哥，还是选即使自己干物女面目暴露也无所谓还可以一起喝酒高兴时同滚地板的部长，俺想俺会选后者
是选让自己不得不保持完美状态的连上厕所时担心时间长一点会被误解成是在大大的帅哥，还是选即使自己干物女面目暴露也无所谓还可以一起喝酒高兴时同滚地板的部长，俺想俺会选后者
说到底，不是最好的就是最适合自己的，两个人要差不多，各方面都差不多，家庭，三观，智慧，知识背景，野心，这些都差不多的人，在一起自然不会累，也不会为对方所累。
另外，‘尊重’真的是很重要的一环，我们看不起的人，不可能去爱。
我觉得有道理！
------------------------------------
想哭，不知道为什么那么爱他，不知道以后会怎样，只知道现在我确实不幸福，却没有分手的勇气。
记号
谢谢楼主
每一条都可以用来分析我感情中不顺的地方
受教了
谢谢楼主
能满足一部分就很好了，，不要奢望
英文原版is here~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10WAYS TO ＭＡＲＲＹ ＴＨＥ ＷＲＯＮＧ ＰＥＲＳＯＮ
by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these 10 insights.
#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after their married... for the worst!"
So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character?
Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?
Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the intimate needs of his wife. Intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.
#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
1. chemistry and compatibility
2. share common interests
3. share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living for," while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.
This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.
#5. You choose the wrong person because you get intimately involved too quickly.
Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Physical involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.
It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a couple is physically compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about it. Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?"
This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship.
Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There's a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
#8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you?
Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.
If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.
#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money.
Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.
英文原版
10 WAYS TO ＭＡＲＲＹ ＴＨＥ ＷＲＯＮＧ ＰＥＲＳＯＮ
by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these 10 insights.
#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after their married... for the worst!"
So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character?
Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?
Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the intimate needs of his wife. Intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.
#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
1. chemistry and compatibility
2. share common interests
3. share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living for," while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.
This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.
#5. You choose the wrong person because you get intimately involved too quickly.
Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Physical involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.
It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a couple is physically compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about it. Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?"
This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship.
Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There's a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
#8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you?
Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.
If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.
#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money.
Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.
10WAYS TO ＭＡＲＲＹ ＴＨＥ ＷＲＯＮＧ ＰＥＲＳＯＮ
by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these 10 insights.
#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after their married... for the worst!"
So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character?
Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?
Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the intimate needs of his wife. Intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.
#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
1. chemistry and compatibility
2. share common interests
3. share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living for," while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.
This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.
#5. You choose the wrong person because you get intimately involved too quickly.
Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Physical involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.
It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a couple is physically compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about it. Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?"
This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship.
Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There's a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
#8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you?
Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.
If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.
#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money.
Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.
10WAYS TO ＭＡＲＲＹ ＴＨＥ ＷＲＯＮＧ ＰＥＲＳＯＮ
by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these 10 insights.
#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after their married... for the worst!"
So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character?
Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?
Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the intimate needs of his wife. Intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.
#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
1. chemistry and compatibility
2. share common interests
3. share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living for," while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.
This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.
#5. You choose the wrong person because you get intimately involved too quickly.
Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Physical involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.
It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a couple is physically compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about it. Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?"
This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship.
Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There's a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
#8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you?
Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.
If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.
#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money.
Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.
10WAYS TO ＭＡＲＲＹ ＴＨＥ ＷＲＯＮＧ ＰＥＲＳＯＮ
by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these 10 insights.
#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after their married... for the worst!"
So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character?
Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?
Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the intimate needs of his wife. Intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.
#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
1. chemistry and compatibility
2. share common interests
3. share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living for," while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.
This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.
#5. You choose the wrong person because you get intimately involved too quickly.
Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Physical involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.
It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a couple is physically compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about it. Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?"
This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship.
Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There's a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
#8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you?
Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.
If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.
#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money.
Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.
10WAYS TO ＭＡＲＲＹ ＴＨＥ ＷＲＯＮＧ ＰＥＲＳＯＮ
by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these 10 insights.
#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after their married... for the worst!"
So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character?
Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?
Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the intimate needs of his wife. Intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.
#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
1. chemistry and compatibility
2. share common interests
3. share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living for," while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.
This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.
#5. You choose the wrong person because you get intimately involved too quickly.
Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Physical involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.
It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a couple is physically compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about it. Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?"
This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship.
Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There's a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
#8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you?
Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.
If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.
#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money.
Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.
...无语了...每次都告诉我数据库连接不上...害我发那么多遍...
我不是故意哒...
贴图宣传最新春夏装，喜欢的美女可以加图片上的QQ，还有更多更漂亮的款式哦
此消息发自掌中天涯wap.tianya.cn ，我也要用手机发表留言！
说得是蛮有道理的，，，但是但是，，找到一个善良正派有毅力值得你尊重、和你有共同价值观、能进行深层次情感交流%—……*……%%#的灵魂伴侣，，，也许平淡的生活也会让一切黯淡
能满足一部分就很好了，，不要奢望
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两个志同道合，互相爱慕的人在一起，生活怎么会暗淡呢～
也许时间久了，你们不会再象热恋时那样热吻，也可能常常忘记庆祝结婚纪念日，但每天回家有温暖的笑脸，周末时牵手的散步，你说半句话他完美的接过下半句的默契，我觉得这就是幸福了。
target
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hu shuo ba dao!
在所有研究离婚的调查中，性生活不和谐几乎从来没出现在离婚的主要原因中。
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hu shuo ba dao!
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调查是在美国做的... 如果不切合国情您多包涵
（不过就天涯上的帖子来说，我还真没看到过因为性生活不和谐而离婚的帖子...）
不过对于“在所有研究离婚的调查中，性生活不和谐几乎从来没出现在离婚的主要原因中。”我持反对意见。
有道理，爱情和婚姻是生活的奢侈品，所以自己首先要快乐的生活
谢楼主哦!
当然肯定注明转载地说
谢谢
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GJM
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/nod
这几点在幸福婚姻里确实都非常重要！
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排山倒海
真的很不错，对我也有很大的启发。。。。
对的人
(*^__^*) 嘻嘻……
哪个才是真正喜欢的人..........
